How Things Have Changed

Before you have kids, people tell you that your life will change dramatically. When you're pregnant, you think "Well, of course. I'll have a little person who will depend on me, and I'll feel love like I've never felt before." But, oh, there is so much more. 

Trips to the Store

Before Baby:
Thought like, "Oops! Almost out of toilet paper!" pops into head.
Grab keys and purse.
Put on shoes.
Go to store.
Get toilet paper.

After Baby:
Thought like, "Crap. We're out of toilet paper. I wonder if baby wipes are biodegradable..." pops into head for the fifth time that day.
Wait for baby to wake up from nap.
Feed baby.
Change baby.
Spend ten minutes convincing yourself that nobody will notice you haven't showered, put on makeup, or changed out of your pajamas.
Decide to go to Wal-Mart (instead of someplace classy, like Target) just in case.
Put baby in car seat.
Get in car. Curse under your breath when you realize the gas gauge is *thisclose* to empty.
Do some quick math to figure out if you can get to Wal-Mart without running out of gas.
Find a decent parking spot. Easier said than done.
Attempt to finish shopping before baby poops or needs to be fed again.
Get in the shortest line you can find (behind the person who can't find their debit card, of course.)
Get the hungry, crying baby back into the car seat.
Get home, feed and change baby.
Realize you never brought in the groceries.
Unload groceries. (So much for the ice cream...)
Realize you forgot toilet paper.
Cry.
 

Getting "Ready"

Before Baby:
Start shower.
Wait for it to get warm.
Shampoo your hair. Twice.
Condition.
Wash your face.
Exfoliate.
Lather up.
Stand under running water to wake up.
Shave *both* legs, armpits, etc.
Towel off.
Blow dry/straighten/style hair.
Put on moisturizer, concealer, foundation, powder, blush, eye liner, eye shadow, mascara, lipstick.
Pick out a cute outfit.
Get dressed.

After Baby:
Put baby down for a nap.
Jump into cold shower. (For the first time in three days.)
Lather from head to toe.
Rinse.
Grab razor to start shaving.
Hear baby cry.
Jump out.
Towel off.
Console crying baby.
Forget that you weren't done showering.
Spend the rest of the day in sweats.


Concept of Time

Before Baby:
Morning = 6AM - 11AM
Afternoon = 12PM - 4PM
Evening = 5PM - 8PM
Night = 9PM - 12AM
Wee hours = 1AM - 5AM

*After Baby:
Wake Up = 6AM
Morning Feeding = 9AM
Morning Nap = 11AM
Playtime = 12PM
Midday Feeding = 1PM
Errands/Chores = 2PM
Afternoon Feeding = 4PM
Afternoon Nap/Make Dinner = 5PM
Bathtime = 6PM
Evening Feeding = 7PM
Bedtime = 8PM
Sleep = 10PM - 6AM

*Who am I kidding? Does ANYBODY'S day actually go like this? No, wait. Don't tell me, because I might cry.





Sleep

Before Baby:
Put on PJs.
Wash face.
Brush teeth.
Watch TV/read.
Sleep until alarm goes off.

After Baby:
No need to put on PJs. Already wearing them...
Splash face with water.
Gargle.
Check on baby.
Convince yourself TONIGHT is the night baby will sleep for 8-10 straight hours.
Drift off to sleep.
Wake up to a crying baby 15 minutes later.
Soothe/nurse baby back to sleep.
Play games on phone/read until you're tired again.
Sleep for 2-3 hours.
Wake up to feed baby.
Go back to sleep for 3.5 hours.
Wake up in a panic because baby hasn't woken up crying yet.
Go back to sleep.
Wake up 15 minutes later to nurse/soothe crying baby.
Go back to sleep.
Wake up 1 hour later to a smiling baby who's ready to start the day!
Roll over to see it's 6AM.
Cry.
Accept defeat and make a pot of coffee.